Atheist Apologist

The following was written in response to the question: What made you stop going to church?

The reason I stopped going to church and the reason I deconverted are not the same. In fact they are hardly related.

1. I stopped going to church because I couldn't make myself go when there was nothing to learn. I knew the Bible inside out and I knew everything the preachers did. I wanted to be inspired in some way and the church totally failed to inspire me. In fact, I would often feel worse after church than before church, the reason being that I went in hopeful for a good time of fellowship and music and learning/inspiration. It didn't happen. I got more out of private Bible study at home and a walk in the bush or park.

2. I deconverted because the Plan of Salvation did not hang together. After seeking in vain for answers for how it's supposed to hang together until I was fifty I decided to quite lying about what I believed. I still wanted to identify as a Christian just because that is the best way to fit into society in this part of the world. But I realized that would be dishonest so I faced up to the matter and accepted the fact that I am not, in fact, a Christian anymore. I think I had found exChristian.net by then, or did shortly after, which was very helpful.

My church attendance had been seriously infrequent for ten or twenty years before my deconversion. But then, I don't know if I ever was a real Christian. I just lived like one and went through all the actions. I assumed that when I got older I would understand the Plan of Salvation because the older folks like my mom and the preachers said I would. When it didn't work out that way they changed the tune and said maybe we don't have to understand. Yeah right! That don't go down with me.

But maybe Christianity is saying the Creed inside a Church on a regular basis. Perhaps meaning it is beside the point. If that is the case, then deconversion is the most honest thing I have ever done. No wonder I feel cleaner and more at peace with myself than I ever did as a Christian.

This post was written in response to the question: What would have made you stay [in Christianity]?

If the theology had made sense and hung together. For starters, the Plan of Salvation does not hang together and one is not allowed to even ask the central questions. Of almost equal importance but on a different level is question of god's existence, or the existence of spirit. There would have to be evidence of something for which there could be no other explanation. No such phenomenon has been found.

I don't know what I would have done with all the other inconsistencies if these problems had been solved but these two items were key. When I concluded that Bible God does not exist I realized that I could not rightfully identify as a Christian. I had a lot to lose and would have definitely remained Christian if I could have done so with personal integrity.

Deconversion relieved me from the horrible agony of not knowing whether I would in the end--despite all my best efforts--mess up and be consigned to eternal torture. It allowed me to live. I am finally able to fully appreciate the beauties of this planet and this life. I am able to take responsibility for my actions and decisions. I realize more fully that I cannot ever write a blank cheque and get forgiven for my stupid blunders but that I personally must take responsibility. However, I do not aspire ever to be a perfect human being or some kind of demi-god; that is a ridiculous expectation and outside of human capability.

I accept that I am human and I aspire to live inside my human capabilities. Thus, by accepting the reality that this life is all there is and that there is no supernatural being, I am:

1. relieved from the need to be perfect and
2. given the responsibility for my own actions.

I think from a mental health perspective, this is the most balanced view that has yet been developed by humans, and makes for the best civilization or society. So far as I can see, none of the world's religions accept this kind of responsibility for humans in this life, and all aspire to some sort of perfection either in this life or in a future existence. I see humanism as a step forward, regardless of what religionists--and their sacred texts--say.